on my mind, as of late

I read a novel a few months ago that was full of references from a fictional book – i.e. a book that is not real.

In said fictional book, there was a quote that some characters from the novel would repeat to each other quite often.

Pain demands to be felt.

That is the quote that these teenagers identified most with in said novel. Very characteristic of adolescence, I must admit.

But I am here today to argue with this statement.

Well, not argue. Rather to agree with and add upon what the quote means. You see, I think that the fictitious author of this fictitious book was missing a huge point. I understand the context of the quote – the author was talking about how pain, as a side effect of chronic illness and the realization of imminent death, demands to be felt, fully and entirely. But the quote itself is just… incomplete.

It’s not just pain that demands to be felt. It’s everything – overwhelming joy, envy, helplessness, anger. Once these feelings are being felt, there is no force on Earth that will make it stop, except time (which, I’m sure we’re all aware here of the regenerative powers that time holds.)

So, yes, pain demands to be felt. And rightly so. Joy demands to be felt, and deservedly so. Envy, helplessness, and anger demand to be felt, inevitably so.

Feelings are a part of the human experience, whether you believe in a God who created you that way, or in science as an evolutionary strategy. There is only so much control we have over our lives, whether you think so or not. And all these feelings that demand to be felt, like blunt force trauma to the chest, make it worth our while. Because, what is life but a collection of memories guided by how you felt in that moment? The beauty of feeling is that it is our body’s natural response to what it’s experiencing. Sometimes things we don’t even realize we are experiencing.

There is a mystery in the human condition and how we respond to the outside world. But only in the mystery do we feel everything without bias or worries about preconceived societal constructs. Without shame. Without restriction.

We are truly ‘us’ when we succumb to the feelings that demand to be felt.

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On Being a Young Writer

I appreciate what this small corner of the virtual world stands for. It represents a lot of my growth in the past few years. I think the beauty of my transition on this little page is that I can relive a variety of emotions I once felt with the safety of having those relived feelings be fleeting.

I promise to never compromise me. This is something I had difficulty grasping in my younger years, but I realize how imperative it is that I do not jeopardize my essence in order to do anything, whether that be to produce something I think will result in something larger than me, or to attract someone I have tricked myself into thinking I need.

Cheers to all of my writers who still haven’t found their niche, but still keep fighting the good fight and writing the heck out of anything for the sake of craftsmanship. I admire all of you. I admire what your writing represents: you. Your writing is you and the world through your eyes, which, I think, is the most beautiful thing a person can bring into the world (except maybe another human, but, you know, that’s another concept altogether).

I’ll end my little soap box speech now. Godspeed to everyone out there who feels the same way I do.

L

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Don’t Worry

Onto bigger and better things

You made a cliché out of me

But I am my own person

I will love the way I love

Know the way I know

See the way I see

 

I live a quiet life, now

Never wanting but somehow finding to give

A way to make me feel whole

Without uncertainty

Without disdain

Without frustration

 

I’m a simple girl

I like simple things

Simple words and simple people

 

A facet of life that I thought I desired

Was something that solely created

A hole in my heart

 

The whole has been patched

And I no longer hold myself to such high standards

But instead

Believe in the life

I’ve yet to live

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Woman

I’ve certainly detained myself from writing about the man I thought I was in love with; I am no longer in love with him and it’s a relief in itself because I would never wish the ache of unrequited love on anyone. I’ve experienced it far too much in my life and the inner peace I’ve achieved since is something I would never exchange for any of the men who never saw in me what I see in myself.

I am a woman. We are bound to ourselves in a way in such that we doubt our own motives and our own feelings. We never trust what set of circumstances we are found in. We fantasize, romanticize, criminalize everything that elicits any emotional response in us. No wonder men call us dramatic.

It’s a interesting life, being a woman. There’s so much to experience under the social constructs of gender. I like being a woman.

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Many a friend has advised me to

Purge and let go of my

Ceaseless and daunting

Admiration for a person who

Merely touched my body in a way

That also touched my soul.

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I won’t be able to move on until someone else comes along and enchants me the way you did. And it’s not even the way you (past tense) enchanted me, but the way I’ve seen you grow as a person without me and I want SO MUCH to be the person that helps you become better and better.

You’ve found God’s love again and my heart swells and aches at the same time because where was that love when we were together?

I shouldn’t be selfish and I should be glad that He’s brought you out of your darkness and that you’re slowly becoming someone you want to be.

I am glad. I’m also sad because the person you want to be doesn’t necessarily want to be with me. The person you want to be is far away in a city I’ve never even been to. The person you want to be is a stranger.

It’s scary and sad and cold and I resent myself for not being able to move on. I need help.

Help me.

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Some haikus I wrote for a class…

We seem to forget

The paths each one of us takes

 When no one is there

 

Persistence is the

Lack of consideration

And of laziness

 

To hone a craft well

Suffering must be endured

As well as delight

 

No one can write well

Until diving into seas

Seems reasonable

 

 

 

Destruction is not

Opposite from creation

If you can write about it

 

Teamwork is a word

That means to contribute

So to help yourself

 

P A S T A

For a dish and a device

Both beneficial

 

Structure in a piece

Reminds me of good advice

Organization

 

Readers and writers

Are both interchangeable

They both imagine

 

Take the advice

And do with it what you will

Everyone does care

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